Mother's Heartbreak

A Story of Addiction & Loss

I GET IT

August 15, 2024 /

 

Matt,  I finally understand.   The need to escape the world in which we have nothing but pain and stress.   Until it happened to me I could never comprehend how chronic pain could suck the joy out of life.  I could never understand the power of the anxiety that walks hand in hand with this pain. 

This summer has been a shit show.   June 24th I go to Penn for my 6th month CT.  figuring its been 4 years of clean scans, I was really not thinking anything would have the nerve to pop up after this time.   You know Cancer is a lot like addiction.  It fools you into thinking you are in control then it slaps you in the face with that powerful GOT YA.  

They find a nodule in the base of my right lung.  Seems the little shit has been there for 3 years growing like a nasty weed that you just can’t seem to get rid of.  Now it’s reached the danger zone and something needs to be done.  

So now I have to go through what they call a simulation test.  Sounds so simple, but it’s pure hell.  It’s a combination CT and PET scan where you lay on a hard metal table for what seems like forever.  I remember how after your back surgery you were always so uncomfortable laying on your back.  As I lay there I replayed many conversations we had about your pain.  Still no matter how much you tried to explain to me I never got it.  Well, believe me as I lay there I got it.

The results show a minimal uptake in my spine at the surgical site and that damn little nodule in my lung.  So now it’s an MRI of my spine to rule out recurrence of cancer.  Another 45 minutes on a hard, cold table.  Believe me I got it.

Then a week of panic attacks.  Feeling like I wasn’t going to survive another minute of worry and wondering what fun was coming my way.   

Oh, I found out God does have a sense of humor.  As if I wasn’t stressed out enough, the cat does a ninja warrior move and breaks her leg.  The dog gets sick as well.  So now between running to the vet and having to confine a very active cat who’s now wearing a cast I have very little time to think about me.  Thanks God..

The outcome of all this is more radiation to my already glowing, beat up body.   I remember when you would go for walks with me and you walked like an old man.  Well Matt, I walk like an old lady.  I experience the panic attacks and the anxiety you did.  I remember you taking Xanax to help you cope.  I now take Xanax to help me cope.  

I never understood your struggles until they became mine.  Until I walked that same broken road with the same broken body.  How I wish I could talk to you.  The first thing I would tell you is how sorry I am for not showing you more compassion. For not doing all I could to understand where you were coming from.  I believed you were just taking those pills for the hell of it.  I never realized you were taking those pills to not just survive your life but to get a reprieve from the constant pain.

We are so alike.  I never realized this until you left and my life fell apart.  I can’t tell you how many times I want to call you and spill my guts.  To find ways that we could both survive the pain without having to die seeking relief.  

I know it’s too late, but I wanted you to know that finally I Get It.  

Love Forever,  Mom 

 

 

 

Heavenly Birthday’s Are Just So Hard.

August 1, 2024 /

Matt, today July 30th is your birthday I’m sitting here looking out at the sea our happy place letting all the beautiful memories run through my mind like an old fashion movie projector. My tears are falling as I search the sky for a sign.

You see Matt even after all these years the grief continues to wrap itself around my heart squeezing until I am breathless knowing the reality of my life is we will never share another birthday together.

There will be no celebration. No crabs and beer at your house by the sea. No you and Mike taking the boat out in hopes of catching dinner.
Reality is that these day will always break my heart into little pieces when I think of what could be. Those what ifs dance in my head and take me to places where the questions will never be answered.

I pray for a sign. A birthday present from you to me. I hunger to know you are safe, at peace, surrounded by love, light and beautiful things.

Today I pray that for a moment I will feel you in the sea breeze, hear you in the cry of the seagulls, see your handsome face in the clouds.

By the sea is where I feel closest to you my beautiful boy. I remember the days we would walk by the sea as the dogs ran through the waves talking about Heaven. We would both say Heaven is a beach and laugh together as the waves crashed at our feet.

Today, I will pray that is true. You are walking on a beach in Heaven as I’m walking on a beach here on earth.
May we feel the connection between a mother and son that nothing even death cannot break.

Today I wish you the most beautiful heavenly birthday. I pray that you know how much you are loved and missed. I will never stop missing what could have been. Until we are walking on Heavens beach together know as long as I live I carry you in my heart.

Love Mom

Father’s Day Dreaming

June 16, 2024 /

Matt,  Today is Father’s Day and even though you didn’t live long enough to become a father I still wonder what it would have been like if you had.

You were such an amazing Uncle to your brother’s daughter it often makes me wonder how loving a father you would have been to your own children. 

I also wonder if fatherhood was my dream for you.   If marriage and babies were my dream and not yours.  You had so many opportunities to marry, but you continued to stall your relationships.  You were so loved but you continually decided to remain single.

When I think of you on days like this, I imagine how wonderful it would have been to see you holding your firstborn child.  How watching you look into the face of a life you created would have left a lifelong imprint on your heart  and mine.  How watching you hold a toddlers hand as you introduced him to the sea you loved so much or taking your daughter to pick out her first puppy would have been a beautiful gift we could have shared.  

I think of you walking in my door with towhead mini you’s yelling Mom we’re here.  I close my eyes and imagine the joy of hugging little versions of you in my arms.  How wonderful life would have been if my dreams for you came true.  If life would have taken the road I had planned on, not the road that led to this empty space in my heart.  

Sadly, reality leaves my dreams all I have as I think of the what ifs on Father’s Day.  You will never know the joy of loving someone with your entire heart and soul.  You were robbed of the absolute joy of watching your child grow and change year after year.   You were robbed of tee ball games, of birthdays, of boyfriends and girlfriends.  You were robbed of walking your daughter down the aisle or toasting your son on his wedding day.  

Oh Matt, your addiction stole so much from us both and now all I have to hold on to is  my fantasy of a family and a future that was never to be.  It all died with you my beautiful boy.  

 

 

Beautifully Bittersweet

May 25, 2024 /

Matt,   When I learned the circumstances of your death, I knew I could never stay silent.   What I really wanted to do was fly to Florida and punch the owner of your shoddy sober home in the face.  I wanted him to hear your name and see the face of your grieving mother and then I wanted to tell him what he told me, “People die here everyday.”   I wanted to look him in his eyes and say well, well, today is your day.  

I can’t put into words what that information did to my soul, but it fueled me into months of research of how sober homes operated.   Months and months of research speaking to advocates from many states sadly revealed that dumping people who have relapsed into the street in the middle of the night with no available help or support was common practice.   Learning this I knew I would never find my peace until laws were passed to protect people at a vulnerable time in their lives.   This became my mission.   These people became my Matt’s.

I became obsessed with this project.  The more I researched, the angrier I became.  To think many sober home operators used people suffering from Substance use as a means of disposable income fueled my desire to put a stop to this evil practice.   How dare anyone treat a human life as it was disposable.   It happened to you and I have to live with that every day.   The only way to find peace was to punish the people responsible.

After I had a folder thick as a phone book containing all the research on sober homes, I called my House Representative.  I asked her to meet for coffee.  When I showed her the folder and shared your story I could see the disgust in her eyes.   Her words were music to my ears.   “We Will Fix This,” became our battle cry.

After almost 5 years of advocating and fighting to get this Bill right, riding the roller coaster from happiness to disappointment, through many challenges and changes HB 114, The Matthew D. Klosowski Act was passed unanimously in both the House and Senate on the very last day of the 2023 Legislative session.   You my beautiful boy were the catalyst that will change the trajectory of how sober homes will be allowed to operate in our state of Delaware forever.

Last week, we were honored as the First State Alliance of Recovery Residences had their certification kick off as they certified a home for women in recovery.   Oh how I wish I could have shared that moment with you.   Senators and House Members were saying your name and sharing your story.   Congratulating me for fighting for so long to get this dream of mine to become a reality.   There will be no more treating people as if their lives didn’t matter.   No more kicking people out in the street to die.   

We were given an award.   Honoring us both.   I fought hard to hold back the tears as I spoke to the crowd.  Oh how I wished it was your face I was seeing among so many people who came to attend the ceremony.   I hope you were there.  I hope you felt my love for you souring through the sky from my heart to yours.   I hope you know how much you are loved and missed.   How time has not made a difference in the void in my heart.  

I can assure you this my beautiful boy,  you have a legacy that will stand the test of time.  Your name is forever in the Law books in our state of Delaware.   One hundred years from now people will look up HB 114 and see your name.   Your story and how your death was not in vain.   How your death fueled my grief to find a little slice of beauty from the brokenness you left behind.   Godspeed until I hold you in my arms, you are forever in my heart.   

 

 

Some Days

April 25, 2024 /

Matt,  I really don’t know what brings on this deep feeling of loss.  Some days I feel like I’m doing ok, then boom a memory will hit and then I’m gone.  

Erin got married last weekend.  She had a memorial table set up with pictures of all our family members who are no longer here.  Seeing your smiling face staring back at me was like a cold slap of reality, acknowledging that I would never dance at your wedding.  
I tried to hide my tears, but I was powerless.  

I kept thinking what a blast you would have had with Tommy, Mel’s boyfriend.  He has your same sense of humor.  Your quick wit and mannerisms.  As I watched them interact I kept wondering what it would have been like to have you there dancing and laughing together. 

I remembered you being the best man at your brother’s wedding. You raising your glass in a toast that had everyone cracking up.  You on the dance floor with all the single girls.  

I felt like I was in two different worlds.  The one where you existed and this broken world where you do not.  
These family events are always bittersweet.  Reminding me of what could have been but no longer is.  Even though years have passed, your loss is as fresh as it was the moment I heard you left me behind.  

Joy is intermingled with the pain of your absence.  I’ve learned life goes on.  People live their lives.  But one thing I know for certain is I will carry you in my heart forever….

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